Treat me kindly, my beloved friend, for no heart in all the world is more grateful for kindness than the loving heart of me.
Do not break my spirit with a stick, for though I should lick your hands between blows, your patience and understanding will more quickly teach me the things you would have me learn.
Speak to me often, for your voice is the world's sweetest music, as you must know by the fierce wagging of my tail when your footstep falls upon my ear.
Please take me inside when I am cold and wet, for I am a domesticated animal, no longer accustomed to bitter elements. I ask no greater glory than the privilege of sitting at your feet beside the hearth.
Keep my pan filled with fresh water, for I cannot tell you when I suffer thirst. Feed me clean food, that I may stay well, to romp and play, and do your bidding, to walk by your side and stand ready, willing and able to protect you with my life, should your life be in danger.
And, my friend, when I am very old, or become very ill, no longer enjoying good health, hearing and sight, do not make heroic efforts to keep me going. I am not having any fun. Please see that my trusting life is taken gently.
I shall leave this world knowing with the last breath I draw, that my fate was always safest in your hands.
"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot little puppies."
~ Gene Hill
"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at
nothing right in your ear."
~ Dave Barry
"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of
dogs."
~ Aldous Huxley
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three
times before lying down."
~ Robert Benchley
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
~ Fran Lebowitz
"Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job."
~ Franklin P. Jones
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back
from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half
a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
~ Anne Tyler
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
~ Rita Rudner
"If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one."
~ Andy Rooney
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face,
you should go home and examine your conscience."
~ Woodrow Wilson
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I
have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."
~ James Thurber
"Rambunctious, rumbustious, delinquent dogs become angelic when sitting."
~ Dr. Ian Dunbar
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
~ Ann Landers
"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
~ Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
~ Ben Williams
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
~ Roger Caras
"Cat's Motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it."
~ Unknown
"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.."
"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does."
~ Christopher Morley
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself."
~ Josh Billings
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
~ Andrew A. Rooney
"Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in."
~ Mark Twain
"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went."
~ Unknown
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
~ Mark Twain
"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane."
~ Smiley Blanton
A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. She called her vet who asked her to bring the dog in. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead.
"Are you sure?", the distraught woman asked. "He was a great family
pet.Isn't there anything else you can do?"
The vet paused for a moment and said, "There is one more thing we can do."
He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage.
"Well, that confirms it." the vet announced. "Your dog is dead."
Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, "How much do I owe you?"
"That will be $330." the vet replied.
"I don't believe it!", screamed the woman. "What did you do that cost $330????"
"Well", the vet replied, "it's $30 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."
You have more dog beds, chew toys, collars, leashes, harnesses, and dog crates than you have dogs.
You meet other people with dogs, and remember their dog's call name after 30 seconds, but don't get the owner/handler's name until you've met them 2 or 3 times.
You don't think twice about trading licks of an ice cream cone with your dog.
Your parents give up on grandchildren and start to refer to your dogs as "your kids" or your children." (Bonus: they start to call them "our granddogs.")
90 percent of your Internet connection time goes to the dogs (seeing what's new when you enter your breed into the browser, reading up on multiple lists, checking out photos, sounds and FAQs, etc.).
You have hundreds of pictures of your dogs on your desk at work, in your wallet, etc., but none of your family or yourself.
No one wants to ride in your car because they know they'll get dog hair on their clothes.
You reach into your pockets for change, and liver treats, dog kibble, and pick-up bags fall all over. (Bonus: You've done this in a classy establishment.)
You've had long meaningful discussions with your friends on the best way to trim your dog's nails, but have never had a manicure or pedicure in your lifetime.
Books and movies are ruined for you if the dog references are incorrect.
The highlight of your day is spending time with your dog.
You watch simply awful movies because your breed is either featured in a cameo scene or there's a 3-second camera shot during a crowd scene.
All of your clothes have dog hair on them, even when they come back from the laundromat or dry cleaners.
The only thing your friends, colleagues, and passing acquaintances say to you when they see you is, "How are the dogs?" or "How many dogs do you have now?" Your photo Christmas cards feature your dogs (humans optional).
1 - My life is likely to last 10-15 years. Any separaton from you will be painful for me. Remember that when you buy me.
2 - Give me time to understand what you want of me.
3 - Place your trust in me - it's crucial for my well-being.
4 - Don't be angry at me for long and don't lock me up as punishment. You have your work, your entertainment and your friends. I have only you.
5 - Talk to me sometimes. Even if I don't understand your words, I understand your voice when it's speaking to me.
6 - Be aware, however you treat me, I'll never forget.
7 - Remember before you hit me that I have teeth that could easily crush the bones in your hand, but that I choose not to bite you.
8 - Before you scold me for being uncooperative, obstinate or lazy, ask yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps I'm not getting the right food, or I've been out in the sun or in the cold too long, or my heart is getting old and weak.
9 - Take care of me when I get old. You too, will grow old someday.
l0 - Go with me on difficult journeys. Never say: "I can't bear to watch it"; Let it happen in my absence"; or " I am tired of you". Everything is easier for me if you are there.
NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.
VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.
BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark...
LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.
HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.
DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.
THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.
DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.
HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.
PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.
CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never--- quite--- catch them. It spoils all the fun.
CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry...Eat a shoe.
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.
Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with.
Dogs don't criticize your friends.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know
the most important thing is that you're together.
Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
No dog ever voted to confirm Clarence Thomas.
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
Dogs are good with kids.
Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.
The worst social disease you can get fron dogs is fleas.
(OK. The *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
Dogs understand what "no" means.
Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization.
Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species.
Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
Dogs do not read at the table.
Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
You can house train a dog.
You can force a dog to take a bath.
Dogs don't correct your stories.
Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair.
Dogs aren't threatened by two women with short hair.
Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.
Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake.
Dogs admit it when they're lost.
Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.
Dogs look at your eyes.
Dogs like your size.
Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.
Dogs take care of their own needs.
Dogs are color blind.
Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
Dogs are nice to your relatives.
Dogs obsess about you as much as you obsess about them.
I was born today. One of 10. My daddy was very famous. I have lots of half brothers and sisters. My mother is very famous. Since she got famous, she has only had puppies. No more loving hands, no more fun trips... just puppies. She is always sad when they leave her.
I left home today. I didn't want to go, so I hid behind my mama and my three litter mates that were left. I didn't like you. But one day they said I would be famous. I wonder; is famous the same as fun and good times? So you picked me up and carried me away, even though you were concerned about me hiding from you. I don't think you liked me.
My new home is far away. I am scared and afraid. My heart says BE
BRAVE. My ancestors were. Did they go to good homes like mine? I'm hungry because I can't eat too much because it will be bad for my bones. I can't bite or snap when the children are mean to me. I just run and play and pretend I am in a big green field with butterflies and robins and frogs.
I can't understand why they kick me. I am quiet, but the man hits and says loud things. The lady doesn't feed me good things like I had with my mother. She just throws dry food on the ground, then goes away before I can get too close for touching and petting.
Sometimes my food smells bad but I eat it anyway.
Today I had 10 puppies. They are so wonderful and warm. Am I famous
now? I wish I could play with them, but they are so tiny. I am so young and playful that it is hard to lay here in this hole under the house nursing my puppies.. They are crying now. I am so hungry. I scratch and worry my fur. I wish someone would throw me some food. I am also very thirsty.
I now have eight. Two got cold during the night and I couldn't make them warm again. They are gone. We are all very weak. Maybe if I take them out on the porch, we can get some food.
Today they took us away. It was too much trouble to feed us and someone came to take us away. Someone grabbed my puppies, they were crying and whimpering. We were put in a truck with boxes in it. Are my babies famous now?
I hope so, because I miss them. They are gone. The place smelled of urine, fear and sickness. Why was I here? I was beautiful, like my ancestors. Now I am hungry, dirty, in pain and unwanted. Maybe the worst is unwanted. No one came though I tried to be good.
Today someone came. They put a rope on my neck and led me to a room
that was very clean and had a shiny table. They put me on the table. Someone held me and hugged me. It felt so good!!! Then I felt tired and laid over the last one who cared.
Never had to fix liver for anything.
Lived in the city, had extra money, and thought I was insane.
Bought clothes for myself instead of for dog shows.
Didn't own a pooper scooper, grooming table, 5 crates or 4 exercise pens.
Thought a professional handler was an agent for a fighter.
Thought a major was an officer in the Army.
Never told my kids to sit and stay.
Would come home from a party at 4am, not leave for a dog show then.
Never worried about parasites or kennel cough.
Never owed a Vet a dime.
Had furniture without dog hair on it.
Didn't worry about dog shows or whelping calendars.
Had long hair and had time to groom it.
Thought in season referred to the latest fashions.
Didn't worry if my skirts had pockets.
Thought bait was for fishing.
Thought politics only took place in Washington.
Thought a match was something used to light a fire.
Had a phone bill I could afford.
Thought if someone was finished he was 6 feet under.
A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.
DOG BED:
any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL:
Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
SNIFF:
A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog s rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.
GARBAGE CAN:
A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES:
Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS:
This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER:
This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET:
This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.
SOFAS:
Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
BATH:
This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
LEAN:
Every good dogs's response to the command "sit !", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
BUMP:
The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP:
A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require.....especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.
LOVE:
Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine,it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If I was bored with it but now YOU want it, it's mine again.
11. If it's broken and I still like it it's mine.
12. If it's broken, and can't be fixed it's yours.
13. If it looks like a yellow puddle or brown "gift" it's not mine.
You have more dogs beds then guest chairs.
You cancel your vacation to Cancun when you see the look on their face as you're packing.
You kiss your husband/SO when he comes home from work, with dog hair
stuck in your lipstick.
You'd rather smell puppy breath than a bouquet of roses.
The doctor asks you about the bruises on the back of your knees.
You don't set the alarm clock anymore, the "thump, thump, thump" or
collar jingles wake you every time.
Or you wake up with a black nose holding a metal dish 1/2" from your
face.
You never get to sleep in on weekends because they don't understand
that concept.
You thank them for bringing you the tennis ball that just came out of
the toilet.
Or the dead squirrel (add your own word here..... pine cones,
snowballs, neighbor s chickens,etc) that they bring to your bed in the morning.
Rake the dog hair to the edge of the walls for insulation in the
winter.
You sleep in the dog bed so you don't have to disturb them to kick them out of your bed.
Call your answering machine to leave your dog a message.
Wear a miner's lamp to make it to the bathroom at night so as to not step on anyone.
